Monday, August 30, 2004
Aug 30, the moment i woke up this morning, i could feel the pain. ouch....my entire body hurts, especially my knees. i came back from snowtrip last night, spent the weekend up at Lake Mountain in Johnny & Tina's house in Marysville, situated at the foot of the mountain.
yes, it was my first experience at snow....guess it will also be my last time. it wasn't as fun as i thought it would be. i suffered a big patch of blue-black on my knee while trying to brake when i slided down the slope in my tabogan (it's a plastic board you could sit in; used for sliding down the slopes). yes, i was so clumsy...i "flew" down the slope, hit myself on the hard rocks and rolled over till i got down to the bottom. it was simply embarrassing!~ i became the centre of attraction for a moment in time as everyone stared at this spectacular scene unfolding before their eyes?! oh well~ the only thing i seriously learn from this trip is to learn how to tell myself: it's ok to fall, just pull yourself up together and rise up again..it was learning the 'never give-up' attitude. even in life, it's always not a smooth journey. when we fail, we just gota learn how to pick ourselves up. despite the laughter and sacarscism others may show, no matter how weak i may feel, no matter how lousy the experience is, life still goes on.
while on my skiis, i fell down many times too...to the point that i didn't even have enough energy to pick myself up ever again. there were a few times when i tried to get up while i was on a slope but just as i was about to do so, i slipped down the slope and this time, worst!?! i told myself:"i really wana go home...i don't want to skii anymore! am i there yet? how much longer is this journey? i'm reaching soon...hang in there..." but still, there was a long way to go.
as it turned out, i was the slowest skiier in the group and so, all through the journey, i was pretty much alone. there was a period of 15-20minutes when i thought i was lost in the snow mountain, because the others were very much ahead....and i came to this part of the mountain where there wasn't a distinctive path to go. i felt scared...it felt as if i were the only one stucked in this part of the mountain. the trees were swaying, the ice slopes were all around, but i don't seem to spot a single soul around! the worst thing was: i don't know my directions....i don't have a map....and i was lost! all alone, i tried to find my way but still, to no avail. i continued my journey anyway, trying so hard to concentrate both on balancing well on my skiis and where i was going. at that moment, i felt like crying....never had such a strong urge to do that until that very moment. tears didn't fall as i tried to stay as strong as i could....
it was tough to struggle through that alone....and that's why, i didn't really enjoy myself throughout the skii trip as much as i had wanted to. perhaps i wasn't born with such adventurous talents; not cut-out for sports and adventure. i feel ashamed to say that i'm lousy in all these things. i feel a sudden plunge in my self-esteem.
~gracie left a note at 11:36 am
Friday, August 27, 2004
Aug27, wait....wait....wait....still waiting patiently. what is that mysterious thing which chris is sending? something worth waiting for, i'd say. i was at uni today when the delivery person came; nobody answered the door. sigh~ and now, i'm still waiting for that lady who called: apparently, they will come again to deliver the special item!?
what could it be? flowers?? yes, i have a strong gut feeling that it must be flowers....yes, a big bouquet of flowers from chris? oh....how i wished that those days will return?? it's been a long time since i received flowers, cards and mudcakes from chris. seriously long time...and i don't expect him to do that often, cos' it's pretty expensive to do all that?! hmm...oh well, i just love to be pampered once in a blue blue moon.....*contradiction*
finally!! the doorbell rang! ding-dong!! excitedly, i opened the door. surprise!!! a lady held up a huge square box....."a cake!" she says. and i asked, what kinda cake is that? and she told me instantly, "a blueberry+strawberry icecream cheesecake"!! woooo........whoaaaaa!! *grin grin* hey chris, i'm still grinning away now. really smiling sweetly after so long................=p it's worth waiting for definitely!! when i opened it up........whoa.............sweet aroma from the strawberries just overwhelmed me. i couldn't help it but took a slice immediately! pretty nice...hmmm~
the cake has made my day! really, it did! it's not so much the cake, but the act of receiving it is just memorable!!! =p
~gracie left a note at 3:20 pm
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Aug25, i struggled with it again. last night, it was just so hard to say 'goodbye' to chris. it's an undescribable sadness that surged strongly in the deepest ends of my heart. it feels like seeing your bestest friend (if there's such a vocabulary to define the best-best friend) for the last time before you could ever meet him again. i sound exaggerated here, but it's really true. whenever i pick up his phonecalls, it often feels like it's been a long, long time since we last seen each other.
in LDRs, the only time you could ever 'be together' is when you spend time chatting over any means of communication. it might be the phone, the icq, emails or letters. it's where the distance between us is pulled closer. it's like meeting him again in reality! we are so far, yet so near when we are over the phone.
it's in times like these that i feel like crying. when comforting myself, i always tell myself i need to be stronger...i don't need to wait for his phonecalls...that life still goes on...it's time to accept the way things are. i guess it's always a vicious cycle. i live my own life...he interrupts my life with his calls....his calls make me wish the conversation to continue...but he hangs up....and i'm back to my own life again.
sometimes i missed him so much so that i wished i could bring him into my dreams...and in my dreams, the time we could spend together seems 'everlasting'. but well~ gone were the days! i'm just in my dreamy, romantic mood.......never will these things happen! never, ever....!
~gracie left a note at 7:39 am
Thursday, August 19, 2004
Still Aug19, woohoo!~ what a terrific match! China Vs Netherlands in the Badminton Finals at the Athens Olypmpics! exciting and breath-taking, it was really a great match to watch. this was especially so when Gary came over plus the rest of us at home, as we cheered for opposing teams! Annie and Jack were for the Chinese; Gary and i were enthusiastically supporting the Netherlands. i was an ardent supporter for the Netherlands, because the player's an Indo and they are famous for their badminton! and yes, she did her country proud by outplaying the Chinese by 5points in the first round. however, the match wasn't over!! the Chinese won the next round. and in the decisive final round...oh man!! i could feel my heart beat going faster as the match drew closer to the end. while we thought it was through for the Netherlands, things changed a little. the score maintains as Chinese 10: Netherlands 5. After scoring one extra point (from 5 to 6), the Netherlands eventually lost to the Chinese in the final swift of the Zhang's badminton racket. my heart sank. i thought the Netherlands will win!~ *sucha disappointment!!* and yep, the fact is, the Chinese emerged as the Champion of the Olympics Games in Badminton. i'd say it's been the best Badminton match i've watched so far! maginificent!!~
~gracie left a note at 9:02 pm
Aug19, i've been going through lists of pop stars in whom have left deep impact in my life today and to my disappointment, i found none!~ "i had to get my essay going!" i said this in my heart. yet, it's frustrating to pin-down the reasons why i regard pop star 'so-and-so' as significant in my life. the main problem is: i like their songs, but not exactly the pop star themselves! it's an easy topic; yet an essay so difficult to write!!
i'd say popular music is omnipresent. it has integrated into society. it has become part and parcel of life so much so that we seldom pay attention to it. it has resided to the backgrounds of our daily lives: we listen to those songs on the radio while driving; we sing it in our bathrooms; we talk about the newest hits on the pop music list; during leisure times, we go for karaoke sessions; some of us even go online to download ringtones of our favourite pop songs into our mobile phones. living in a postmodern society, we are inevitably consumers of such popular culture. we do not notice it, but it's there; it's everywhere!
there are many factors that make music become popular. one of which is the charisma possessed by the song artist. the power to grip the audiences' attention is the x-factor that will draw listeners to the music. this leads me to a difficult question: so who possess(es) such extraordinary quality? which song artist(s) do i consider distinctive, exceptionally great and powerful in my life? guess my answer is: Josh Groban. he's the man! he has got the unique baritone voice that just intrigues me inside? it's a difficult feeling to express! his voice is just incredible! and his style of music is a 'classical-crossover'...a hybrid of jazz and classical. such subcultural musical style is something new, fresh and unbelievably appealing to the soul. if i were to mention the 2 songs which hold significant value to me, you should know which ones:
You Raise Me Up and
When You Say You Love Me.
another musical artist i can think of at this moment is Michael Jackson. aside from his latest child-molest court case and disturbing media news, i consider him quite a successful musician in the 80s. he's been in the music industry for most of his life and really, he must possess certain musical and dancing talents to keep him right there on the Billboard list. his Moonwalk is his novelty and will remain as his prominent feature of his music career. many even considered him the "Elvis of today". but really, how is Michael relevant to me in my life? nothing at all!? the only 2 songs i remember he sang were:
Heal the World and
Black or White. really powerful lyrics and essentially talking about racial discrimination and social values.
really don't know how to continue this...simply hard!~ think i just need to do other stuffs and come back and think about it!
~gracie left a note at 7:23 am
Monday, August 16, 2004
Aug16, it stormed! it rained! it hailed! ugly weather today! disgustingly cold! grrrrr...rrr...! i've been a couch-potato through the weekend. guess what was i doing?
yes, i've been really catching the Olympics news ever since saturday night!~ somehow i'm all out to support the aussies....in almost every sporting category! the aussies have done their country proud as they are currently ranked 2nd on the World Championship list. and of course, the most exciting competition i have watched repeatedly was the 4x100 Men Freestyle. Ian Thorpe, representing Australia, swam superbly well in that race! he flew in the waters!~ he was almost losing to the Americans, but he eventually caught up and won a Gold medal for Australia! woohoo! shouts of hurray!!~ and Grant came in 2nd, also an aussie! coolzz! never knew that aussies are so gooooood in their swimming!!!! man!!~ i never thought that i would be able to watch the Olympics this year cos' i don't have a tv over here. one good thing happened: jack wanted to watch the Euro Cup during the July hols and he bought a 2nd-hand tv and so~ i become a 'free-rider' and i'm catching every Olympic news lately! really fun to watch Olympics games in as a "family"....! really exciting!!!
well well...back to serious studying again. got an open-book test tomorrow morning and i'm dead anxious about it. not because i haven't studied, but it's the nature of open-book test that freaks me out. but anyway, i shall do fine~ hopefully...! anyway, gota go...!
~gracie left a note at 6:39 pm
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
Aug 11, horror!! arghhhh~ *scream* what's so frighteninnng?? i discovered i've got a cavity in my tooth! yikes! i'm in seriously deep deep trouble!?~ i hate visiting the dentist! i don't wanna go there! i'm just worried that after examination, he would pronouce a death sentence: "sorry, i've gota get your tooth out!" that will be just so sad!!!~ *ouch!* now, i really regretted taking my nice set of teeth for granted! haven't been really taking care of them as well as i should! i must really take care of them really well after this!!
oh no...i don't know...mixed feelings now. should i make a dental appointment soon? or should i just delay a little longer till end of the year? i'm just really scared of the dentists, just don't know why? it's been an innate fear since childhood? perhaps my memories of dental visits had been frightening experiences? simply fearful~just can't calm myself down. *shuddder!!* how i wish chris is around right now. i remembered that he dragged me to the dentist the other time. seriously, he did a great job in making my dental visits so much more memorable and enjoyable than what it really was; wonder what he did to make me feel that way? i still remember that i felt more at ease sitting on the dental arm-chair then, after he reassured me that everything would be fine and that he's always there waiting for me outside.
guess i've gota go all alone this time...feeling really scarreed now. but what to do? i've got no choice; have to get them fixed before my tooth gets rotten inside?! hmm~ i shall pluck up my courage to make a dental appointment first thing first tomorrow morning...
~gracie left a note at 4:03 pm
Monday, August 09, 2004
Aug9, happy birthday, singapore! i wished i were home sweet home...i wished i could be at the ndp...i wished i could spend the night sitting right in front of the tv watching the live telecast of the ndp performance. i missed this again...yet again for the third time!~
just feel that time has been crawling past; every second, every minute seem to tick away so slowly. i've been feeling alone, struggling to push on with life with every tick of time. life seems so hard...so very hard lately. perhaps when time is spent with friends around, it ticks on faster?
well, perhaps james said it right. his birthday surprise party wasn't the 'wow-wow' one, but he's contented with what we gave him because 'the best birthdays are spent with good friends' he said. yes, indeed, we gave him a really 'funny' present! haha! we dressed phil up like a doll--with pink overall and exaggerated make-up on (which was extreeeemely hilarious! ha!)--hid him inside a big box and told james that the box contained a present we have prepared for him! haha...as soon as james unwrapped the box, phil jumped out, grabbed james by the neck and desperately kissed him continually! man!!! and so yep! james screamed and yes, he got a dark-red lipstick marks on his neck! yucccckkksss! disgusting! =)
~gracie left a note at 8:09 pm
Saturday, August 07, 2004
Aug7, i can't wait to tell you!!~ now i'm listening to it again...yes again!~ i've been repeating this entire cd album for the past few days...just can't get my ears off my cd player...i just can't bear to. this cd has really kept me occupied for the past few daysss; listening to it while i do my daily chores...i just wished i could bring it with me into my dreamss!!~?
oh! i should tell you more about this cd! one of my guyfriends was sooooo sweeeetttt to burn me an entire cd, which contains all of josh groban's songs. awww~ so sweeet of him to burn a set of the album for me!!! cos' i don't have a cd burner nor a mp3 here, what i've been doing was to hop online everyday into josh groban's main webpage and just listen to some parts of his songs. now that i have it on cd, i'm really grateful that i can listen to it whenever and wherever i want to =) so-sooooo thoughtful of my guyfriend...!! he even sent the cd to my doorstep on a rainy, cold winter?!!! shouldn't i feel touched?? =p ever since thursday night, i've been playing and replaying the cd! i simply love almost every song in it!!!! perhaps it's just because it's josh groban...this tenor-voice is simply heart melting....with its really touching lyrics...it just makes his songs all Puuurrrr-Fecttt! besides You Raise Me Up, there's another favorite of mine:
When You Say You Love Me
When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still and silent.
When you say you love me
In that moment I know why I'm alive.
When you say you love me
Do you know how I love you?
yes, josh-he'is the man!! just wish i could one day get married to someone who could write songs as romantic as josh...sing to me that song of love and awwww~ it will be just....(i can't describe?!) just reallllly Great!!! *dreaming again...gracie, stop building castles in the air!*
~gracie left a note at 8:24 pm
Monday, August 02, 2004
Aug2, i woke up this morning feeling a sense of tiredness surging through my back...upon opening my eyes, i realised i'm back to reality again~ cold!!! grrrrr....and i missed home still. just last night, i heard a good news of the birth of my youngest cousin, osen! can't help but wanna fly home sooner! i wana carry him...i wana see him! i heard he's got adorable eyes and really sweet smile, just like his brother, owen! guess taking the subject
Sociology of the Family makes me miss my extended-family more. i long to be home!
i don't remember myself feeling so home-sick before! never!! ever!! not for the period of three years in australia have i felt so strongly that i missed home. perhaps this is my final semester? or maybe because i've been subduing such devastating emotions within me for the past few years? and just this morning, i just felt so useless! not even able to strike a match to cook lunch! i just feel that i'm not cut-out to be a housewife next time--so chris, don't put such high hopes in me! and today's my first time trying to cook chicken-tonic soup for myself! i've been feeling really weak and tired lately...don't really have the 'zeng-san' (Cantonese, translated it's energy) to do anything! and mum gave me the recipe over the phone a few days ago and yes! i'm cooking it now. somehow or rather, while doing the preparation--from the cleaning of the "blood-leaking" chicken thighs i bought from the supermarket, to the boiling of the tonics, every act reminded me of how mummy used to do it at home. at that very moment, i just wished i need not take care of myself....i just wished someone can take care of me and shower me with tender loving care~ (awww~ so sad!)
and just yesterday, while annie and i were waiting for the bus at the bus-stop near my place to go down to the nearest town to grab groceries, we saw a young, sweet Asian-couple waiting for the bus as well. they looked really young...uni students, i believe. 15minutes later, we were all still waiting for the bus! (aussie buses are always late!!) and the sweet couple decided that they would walk there~and there they left, hand-in-hand, sweetly chatting away while they walked the distance. that reminded me when chris was here last year; we did that too! walked down to Clayton to buy groceries and all the way up! even though it was a long long journey, it was great to have loved-one by my side!
call me a pessimist! but i had really wished that life hadn't been so hard for me...all these daily experiences continually remind me of the good-old-days of the past. i wanna go home! i really want to! and my only solution to make me feel better is to place familiar pictures and photographs around me to create an 'illusion' that i'm home! One of it shows Shrek and Donkey, because it makes me smile!!
~gracie left a note at 11:35 am
