Photobucket
Sunday, April 23, 2006

张栋梁(Zhang Dong Liang)
was introduced to the website: www.haoting.com recently. man! was really appalled by the songs found there. as i sang along with some of the songs my colleague played over the computer speakers at office, one of my colleague exclaimed:" huh? din know you listen to chinese songs wan leh..." this wasn't the first time i received such comments. am i really that ang-moh-pai? ever since i came back from aus, i realised that english has become my first language. even when i do speak mandarin, some commented that it sounded funny! really that bad ar? :) i reckon it's time to buck up and pull up my socks on my mandarin speaking.

back to the haoting.com website, i really love it! cos' you could listen to all the songs from all cds of different chinese singers. and there's lyrics too!! :)personally i have fallen in love with Zhang Dong Liang lately. i mean, i love his songs, his voice...and i think he looks cute too with his watery eyes! don't mind having a bf who looks like him! ahahaa...dream on! anyway, came across one of his songs in his first album <歌曲: 付出> first time tonight and the lyrics spoke to my heart:

你每天都把自己关在屋里
听同一遍cd 麻痹所有的泪滴
我全都看在眼里却无能为力
伤透的心仿佛无法痊愈
心痛难过只因为你冲动
没有后悔不觉得累
我愿为你承受

付出付出我的全部
我给你幸福 oh...yes you know
只是在你愿不愿意接受
幸福我愿给你最真挚温柔
放开你的双手
就让一切从头

你每天都把自己关在屋里
问同一个问题放不开他的离去
你该学会勇敢的接受他做的决定
不再惦记他留下的痕迹
想要永远只有为你冲动
不会后退不觉得累
我愿为你承受

从此只为你分忧
you can the tell me what can i do
我早己决定甘心的为你...
我的幸福我愿给你最真挚温柔

~gracie left a note at 12:02 am

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Undying love
have been reading a friend's blog. this 17-yr old girl has fallen in love lately and has been writing down her thoughts of her relationship, of her bf and her daily affairs. she has been missing him a lot in her life and expressed her unwavering love for him in every entry. she counts down the number of days before she meets her bf on weekends, when her bf books out of army basic training. everyday seems to go past really slowly, as she faithfully awaits his calls. she relentlessly sacrifices and devotes her time and effort on this relationship. from her entries, you could really tell that she loves him a lot. she is sure that both of them will see this relationship through, despite the lesser time spent together.

i could relate to her passionate devotion to a relationship. when i was 17, i was like her, missing my bf so much. just wished i could spend eternity with him, share lunch boxes together and walk around shopping centres together. i was willing to sit by the phone to wait for his call. was so willing to accept his ring when he fitted it on my fourth finger on my 18th birthday. in retrospect, as i looked back, i realised that going into a relationship is like going through a journey together. it's difficult to continue the journey when both decides to walk separate ways. for all the time, effort and feelings put in, is it all wasted if at the end of the day, both of you choose to separate? is it worth it?

now that i'm older, i realise that i'd consider my decisions more carefully than before. as i grow older each day, i feel i'm less willing to give my all in all to someone. i hold back, for fear of hurt. i dare not give, for fear i won't receive. i dare not love, for fear it hurts badly when things don't work out. i find my heart harden more each time. upon reading her blog, i begin to envy her child-like innocence, her steadfast belief in forever love and her faithfulness to true love.

the thought of 'true love' reminded me of adrian. he confessed in recent years that i have been his true love since jc years and since then, he has been calling me his 'true love'. perhaps our definition of 'true love' has changed over the years and will change in years to come. when we were younger, we tend to hold a stronger belief that many things in life are going to remain unchanged. the concept of forever friends and eternal love seem very irrational and unrealistic as we grow older. people change, things change over time. we just gota learn to accept that we may be on the same journey today, but no longer walking the same path 10 years down the road. a sad reality of life, isn't it?

~gracie left a note at 8:18 pm

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Masdac's easter camp
how i wished i was there! man! they had so much fun!! how do i know? met floz online just now and briefly chatted with him. aww~ i really wished i was there. checked out masdac's photo website and yeah, seen a lot of new faces and familiar ones too. there are some where i managed to recall their names, while others...errm, it took me awhile. hee, oops.

really wished i could be back there once again. sometimes i did bite my teeth and regretted my decision to come back sg to work. it's there that i found my belonging. coming back was a painful decision. had to leave the friends behind, to return to my homeland. an irony, isn't it? yes--coming back home was a tough decision to make. it's hard, especially when everything here in sg is much different from the 'moo-moo land'. i'd say i experienced lots of life transformations over the past 1 year. i shan't look back and regret whatever decisions i have had made, because life moves on.

masdac, i want to come back again. i really want to and i'd love to visit you! i miss all of you guys there and i hope to be back. i don't know what the Lord has in mind for me, but i trust that life's mysteries will unfold itself when the time is right :)

look at the photos: http://masdacyouth.multiply.com/photos/album/12

~gracie left a note at 1:44 pm

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

gracie + minger = ginger
been busy today. yes, busy! really busy! hey don't gimme that skeptical look ok! :) yes, i was truly busy today, running around making sure everything's in place for tomorrow's staff seminar. for the first time, i've been put to charge the logistics setup for events. very interesting task, even though there's loads of administrative work to do.

after a full day of running around, i finally settled in my office~ comfortable room with air conditioning and nice music. it was time to check my office mails. i won't say it's flooded, but my eyes widened when i read this email. it started with:

"Hi Ginger, i received it. thanks"

and i'm like~ who's Ginger? me? :) i thought for a moment and i grinned hard. this is the equation for my name:

gracie + minger = Ginger!!!

ooh~ my new name eh? ahahahaa....

oh yar, another thing that made me smiled loads today. gota know anne and teck over lunch. had crappy conversations with them. thanks to teck! man he's funny! one look at him and you'd know he's a VSC designer. put him in a crowd in Orchard Rd and you'd notice him immediately. his dressing and hairstyle is unique to him and him only. he's a famous suan-ner! he was suanning me through the entire lunch. so sickening!!~i couldn't rebut!

i first met him at Director's office. we went up to meet the Director 2 wks ago. i'll call our Director as D for now. D is very nice. he invited us to his office and we had a short chat with him. D shook our hands and said: "welcome to TP Design! i really don't know what to say, but welcome!" almost abruptly, teck with a fake funny accent and said: "well, you can say..." then changed a low deep bass tone: "WELCOME" man!! that was funny! we all laughed. then D said: "see! this is what we do to our students! we damage their brains!" and i responded: "yes! i'm looking forward to being damaged!!!" :)

and yes, i'm happy working here! people here are fun to work with and like i said, i'm looking forward to the damages! haha~ over here, people aren't so concerned about corporate dressing. in fact, everyone's dressed differently! you could be in mo-hawk hairstyle with cool army boots and coat. you could also be in jeans and t-shirt. i was surprised that some of the course managers and lecturers here look like Poly students!! anyway, i'm looking forward to the start of school next week!! it seems like i'm going back to school life! hee, i'm looking forward to seeing design students with weird dress styles and hairdos :) and i feel so much younger too, having to mix around with younger people now! yeh!

~gracie left a note at 4:18 pm

Monday, April 17, 2006

The Little Prince
was packing my things last friday and my brother came across this nicely-wrapped present left at the corner of the room. i unwrapped it and still didn't recall what it was and who gave that to me. thankfully there was a little note written inside and goodness!! it's my 21st birthday present left at a corner for years still wrapped nicely! my heart warmed, because of the sweet note written inside of the book cover. that was given to me by my very good buddy, who deemed me as a profound thinker. haha~ oops, sorry my dear, i left most of my things here in sg that time before heading back aus to continue my studies.

back to the heart warming note, had it not been the note, i wouldn't have continued reading. my buddy's note went:
dearest, i find this book inspiring, hence bought it as a gift for your 21st birthday. hope you like it as much as i do. happy 21st! lotsa love, from me.

i trust those words. it has a very fairy tale book title, called "The Little Prince". it looks as if a book written for primary school kids, especially with the cartoon pictures found everywhere in between the pages of the book. its font size is much bigger than those of my bible. however, upon reading the introduction, i realised it's a very thought provoking, metaphorical and deep book written in 1943 for grown-ups...not kids.

when i first saw the book, my appetite for reading was revived. maybe because of the cartoons and pictures found on the cover page and in-between pages that attracted me to read on. and yes, have been reading this book everywhere i went. during train rides, bus rides, before sleeping...

this french author used very fairy-tale characters to portray the realities of life. it emphasises a lot on treasuring those invisible things in life, for these are more important than material wealth. how true...! this little prince loved to see the sunsets, treasured his flower and was very proud that he owned 2 volcanoes in his planet. these were those invisible things he termed as important. he went on visits to different planets of this world, and he was disappointed that grown-ups won't stop their busyness to appreciate little things in life like lifting their heads up to admire the shiny stars above, to drink water and be glad that it quenches thirst and other simple invisible things in life. he could not understand the priorities of ppl and things he met along the way. he was disturbed when he met a king who felt that his kingdom was the greatest, a self-indulgent conceited man who was searching for admirers to applaud him for his goodness and a businessman who was more concerned with earning money and achieving social status.

the little prince said something which caught my eye this morning. he was comparing the bunch of roses found in the Sahara desert to his little flower he has:
you are beautiful, but you are empty. one could not die for you. of course, an ordinary passerby would think my rose looked just like you. but in herself she matters more than all of you together, since it is she that i watered; since it is she that i placed under the glass dome; since it is she that i sheltered with the screen; since it is she whose caterpillars i killed. since it is she that i listened to, when she complained, or boasted, or when she was simply being silent. since it is she who is my rose. what is essential is invisible to the eye. it is the time i have spent on my rose that makes my rose so important.

isn't that true? it's the time spent on your favourite things that makes them important to you. it depends on what's your priorities, in life. a person you love becomes very important to you over time because of the time and effort spent loving him. nothing could be compared to him because it is he whom you have spent valuable moments with. often, you become glued to the person or thing you have devoted your time on. so choose today, what is important :) the invisible things in life!

P/s: You've gota read the book!! i just finished reading it and i'm thankful i got this gift! it's a great book!

For more details, check out: http://lepetitprince2.tripod.com/

~gracie left a note at 9:13 am

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Good Friday

every Good Friday, i'm reminded of deaths. the death of Christ on the cross and deaths of good pals and loved ones. coincidentally, it's also the QingMing festival too. would be bringing flowers to my yeye and mama's tombs soon. miss them lots. always dream of them whenever my life is gloomy. many thoughts flooded my mind recently, especially when i received news of the death of one of church member who suffered from lung cancer. sometimes we might ask: why? why is it happening to people around us? why are some ppl dying so young? why is life so fragile?

i've learnt to treasure life very much. i've learnt to appreciate the little things and simplicity of life everyday for you never know when it would be the last. im once again reminded of the death of benny. i can't help, but remember my dearest friend. he passed away in an accident on Good Friday last year. can't forget how i first met him. and will forever remember his sincere friendship. i remembered saying these words in my heart to him when i last saw him in his coffin at his funeral:

benny, i'm not late today. i remember promising you not to be late and i'm not late in this final meeting with you. i'm missing you alot now. even though i may not see you again, i will always keep you in my heart. yes, you often said that the good things in life are never there to stay for long and we need to treasure every minute of good time. i wana let you know that i really cherish you as my friend, alot. i never regretted knowing you and really appreciate your presence in my life for the past 2 weeks. you brought sunshine into my life and you made me feel happy once more. i do treasure every minute i have with you. i just wished i could spend the rest of my days knowing you, but i know that our shortlived friendship is more than enough to leave a very deep footprint in my life. sleep well, benny...i will miss you....i truly will.

my last words on sms to benny was: 'take care always and i will miss ya. see you on monday at lunch ok?' and yes, whenever i say 'take care' to people i care about, these 2 words meant so much to me. i hope those who received those words from me will cherish them as much as i do. perhaps the loss of benny has made me realised how important it is to appreciate and affirm the friendship/ relationship everyday. don't take life for granted. don't take the kindness of people around you for granted. you may not have the chance to say thankyou or sorry ever again...so don't procrastinate when you have something which you really wana do or say.

~gracie left a note at 11:04 pm

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Can We Still Be Friends?
933 radio broadcaster Ling Zhi was reading out a love story on air in her Music Diary program. she shared about how this woman finally fell in love with a man, after he did so much for her. however, her parents objected to the relationship so much that it became stressful for both of them. he decided to give the relationship a break, promised her that they will come back together after a year. she held on to the relationship, but he didn't. he fell in love with another girl shortly after a month from the breakup.

that brought me to wonder: is there really such thing as commitment and friendship after a relationship? if you have chosen to break up, is there still a possibility for friendships? can ex-couples meet each other once again and pretend that nothing has ever happened before? can they still treat each other as very good platonic friends?

i used to faithfully held onto the idea that friendships still exist after relationships. you can still have an ongoing, passionate and intense friendship with your ex. you can still count on each other as good friends. such believe ended when i came face to face with my first ex recently. we promised each other 6 years ago that we will still remain friends after the break up. today, i realised that our lives have moved on so far that it was no longer possible for us to return to the past. we used to spend so much time over the phone, but it sounds so childish now as i think about it.

i agreed with benny when he told me once, to tell the other 'let's be friends' is as good as not saying it. you are just trying to comfort the other that you would still be in contact with each other. just like the love story case, the guy merely used it as an excuse for a breakup. he didn't know how to put it better than just: let's be friends once again? it's a delusion that creates confusion and blurs the line between you and him. it gives the other flickering hope that one day your friendship may bring you 2 together once again. it tries to console the hurting heart that perhaps our relationship doesn't work now. with time, we may change and who knows? we might be together again, since you never know when a friend might turn to become a boyfriend again.

i see the friendship development from acquaintance to good friends to relationship a linear process, not reversible. it's either you maintain status quo or you totally lose the friendship. because every friendship or relationship is mutual. if both chose a breakup, then why choose to maintain contact still? simply no reason to...no excuse to...no point! why would you want to be in contact with someone who doesn't treasure your friendship anymore?

it's a silly and selfish idea too. when we cannot come to terms with the loss of a relationship, we tend to cope with our losses by consoling ourselves that we are still friends. it's selfish in that you want the friendship, but not the commitment and mutual responsibility. you won't want to be tied down and won't want to feel hurt once more. yet, you wish for passionate, intimate friendship? is it possible? not possible, my dear.

~gracie left a note at 11:52 am


The Apple Shrudel Experience at Maestro Bistro
i lost my appetite recently. everything looks tasteless. nothing to eat??! have you got that experience? perhaps i have been eating out all my life, so it's difficult to think about what to have!

and the air at office has been very stale. perhaps it's just me, but the place smells like sanitary pads to me. pardon my disgusting descriptions. it's true, i feel like vommitting every other hour.

i figured out it's time to meet up with Miss Appetizing-Food Taster, liumin. i realised that my appetite for food would resume whenever i see her dig into her sumptuous dinner. that would kinda create a psychological effect in me that influences me to think that the food is yummy! is there really such a thing? i don't know.

anyway, we met up at Cineleisure and decided that we should just walk into Maestro Bistro to try their set dinners. very quiet place, somewhat different from other restaurants in Cineleisure. well, we were urshered to a corner seat, where we were entertained by the Tom & Jerry cartoons. the waitor came with the menu and wow! i'm impressed. i looked at the desserts and true enough, my appetite amazingly returned! for a moment, i thought i was too spoilt for choices! and when the waitor came to ask for our orders, i was very sure i knew what i wanted! "what desserts would you like?" the waitor asked. "apple shrudel" came out of me immediately. in my mind, i could already imagine the warm, sweet and soft apple shrudel oozing out in my mouth. liumin had Tiramisu instead. i knew i had the better choice immediately, because good Tiramisus are usually harder to make.

as it turned out, man! yucks! the apple shrudel served in front of me looked just like my puke. the top layer was filled up with vanilla icecream which was already melted when it was served. there was red syrup all over and my poor apple shrudel laid right underneathe those mess. errmm, for a moment i wanted to exchange my shrudel for a Tiramisu too. oh well~ too late...so i asked liumin to take a picture of me with that poor apple shrudel. guess my facial expressions were too cartoon, we couldn't control our laughter! imagine 2 laughing hyenas in a classy restaurant?! man! wasn't it embarrassing? :) what a day?!

~gracie left a note at 9:25 am

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Love
there is one thing in life i know that will never change. it's love. the unconditional love from God, eternal love from mummy and daddy.

there is one thing in life i treasure most now. it's freedom. freedom to do the things which have always been my dreams. it's like an exploding horizon, when i think about all that i wana do and i can do.

unconditional love and freedom comes in hand in hand, mutually inclusive of each other. however, one won't find freedom in selfish love, because selfish love crushes a soul and selfish love takes you for granted. if so, why should you lock yourself up under chains of selfish love? let selfish love go! embrace freedom, because freedom soars a soul and freedom is a personal choice. you can have it and you are entitled to it!

~gracie left a note at 12:59 pm


Love
i got this email from a friend this morning. words so powerfully written, but true:

To My Friends Who Are...........SINGLE
Love is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you. But if you just let it fly, it will come to you when you least expect it. Love can make you happy but often it hurts, but love's only special when you give it to someone who is really worth it. So take your time and choose the best.

To My Friends Who Are............NOT SO SINGLE

Love isn't about becoming somebody else's 'perfect person.' It's about finding someone who helps you become the best person you can be. Love is not about 'it's your fault', but 'I'm sorry.' Not 'where are you', but 'I'm right here.' Not 'how could you', but 'I understand.' Not 'I wish you were', but 'I'm thankful you are.'

To My Friends Who Are............ENGAGED
The true measure of compatibility is not the years spent together but how good you are for each other.

To My Friends Who Are............HEARTBROKEN
Heartbreaks last as long as you want and cut as deep as you allow them to go. The challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks but to learn from them.

To My Friends Who Are............NAIVE
How to be in love: Fall but don't stumble, be consistent but not too persistent, share and never be unfair, understand and try not to demand, and get hurt but never keep the pain.

To My Friends Who Are............POSSESSIVE
It breaks your heart to see the one you love happy with someone else but it's more painful to know that the one you love is unhappy with you.

To My Friends Who Are............AFRAID TO CONFESS
Love hurts when you break up with someone. It hurts even more when someone breaks up with you. But love hurts the most when the person you love has no idea how you feel.

To My Friends Who Are............STILL HOLDING ON
A sad thing about life is when you meet someone and fall in love, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and that you have wasted years on someone who wasn't worth it. If he isn't worth it now he's not going to be worth it a year or 10 years from now. Let go.....

TO ALL MY FRIENDS.......
My wish for you is a man/women whose love is honest, strong, mature, never-changing, uplifting, protective, encouraging, rewarding and unselfish.

~gracie left a note at 12:10 pm

Monday, April 03, 2006

Your Decision? or Mine?
If you were given a chance to settle down in 1 place in this world, where would it be? is it going to be Africa? Gobi desert? Ethopia? Pakistan? Greenland? China? Australia? or Singapore? a tough question, but something to ponder about.

i am at life's crossroads. it is always at such junction in life when ppl have to make hard decisions. decisions that will steer their life in a certain direction. decisions that will make major changes to one's life. such personal decisions should be made on one's accord.

one shouldn't feel compelled or controlled by certain authority to make such decisions. and one shouldn't make a decision for another person's sake. should he marry her because her mum requested him to? should an unwed pregnant mum abort her child because premarital sex is a social taboo? should one migrate to another part of the world for another person's sake? no, it's a decision that one has to decide for oneself. ppl around may make comments, contribute opinions or give advise. be it a good or bad choice made at the end of the day, it's a personal choice afterall. no one can despise, no one can judge.

once a decision is made, don't look back. sometimes we may look back at our lives and ask: what could have happened if we chose another way? would we be leading a happier life? nobody knows. it's not for us to question of things unknown. cos the more we question, the more we may regret the decisions we made in the past. why should we look back? why not look ahead?

in the midst of such awful decision making dilemmas, i'm hopeful that there's a bright future ahead. i'm looking forward to better life.

~gracie left a note at 10:46 am