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Monday, April 25, 2005

25 April 2005

the weekend was spent reminiscing the past. have always tried to force him out of my thoughts. however, no matter how hard i try, he still remains. it was 23rd last saturday. i didn't purposely remembered that day, but somehow~ i was just reminded of how we used to spend anniversaries together. wherever i went last weekend, thoughts of him just came back to me. my trip to the zoo yesterday brought back so much thoughts of him.....of my previous trip to the zoo with him, smiling at the camera...taking pictures with the pygmy hippo! hippopo was our little stuffed-toy we shared; she's the star in our relationship. we'd love to bring her along wherever we went. we love her so much...and i'm now beginning to miss her loads. *i truly miss you, hippopo!* maybe this re-visit to the zoo just came at the right time. maybe it's time to over-write memories of the past? maybe it's time to forget the sweetest memories spent?

what made me missed him more was today....totally didn't expect myself to pass by his place after spending a day at RBC (reflections at bukit chandu) to help out in a maths trail exercise for 300 primary school kids. took bus 143 and unknowingly, it brought me down to harbour front and then passed his place. it just reminded me once again of the countless trips i used to make to his place. i used to drop by and say 'hi' as often as i could before....now, i don't even know if i'm welcomed at all?~ so much hesitation reigns within my heart now that things have changed over time. i really wanted to alight at that bus stop and just spend a few moments recollecting all the memories. but i just couldn't bring myself to do that, cos' it's just too silly! i know i'll end up feeling more rejected deep within....sometimes i asked myself: "so what if i meet him? so what if he returns my watch? so what if i really love him? so what...??"

anyway, life moves on....the big question is: "gracie, can you move on?"

~gracie left a note at 8:44 pm

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

20 April 2005

i thought i have moved on with life all these months. i thought i will never hear anything of him anymore. i thought i'm okay inside my heart until this morning. heart brokeness came back to me. i dreamt of him last night. in it, i saw him again at a shopping centre. i tried to smile and said 'hi'...but he just turn an antagonised gaze at me and left without saying a word. i felt so rejected in my dreams. i wish this will never happen in reality....never.

the only reason why this came back to me was the unforgetable phone call i received from aunty one night. she was concerned about what has been going on between me and her son. i realised just how much she loves her son....i felt so relieved after speaking to her because i felt that she's one of the few who truly understands how i truly feel inside. i told her how much i missed her son, how much i wish i could still be important in her son's life....the fact is, i'm no longer the one in his life. there's just really nothing i can do.

i feel that i have done all i can for this relationship...maybe it's just not meant to be?! the matter of fact is, he gave up our relationship. he gave up our friendship as well. i'm just prepared for the rest of my life, to accept this fact that he might never want to meet me again for the rest of his life...to know that even if we were to meet down the street one day, that he might not even say 'hi'. and that to me, is the most painful thing that could ever happen in my life. *tears*

~gracie left a note at 8:33 pm

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

19 April 2005

i'm filled with lethargy as i write this blog. been really busy at work today. even so, i'm smiling in my heart. why? got affirmed by my Deputy Director and Director that i'm doing a good job....=p something to encourage me to move on eh? today, had an opportunity to go out with mr. pitt for a meeting. everyone congratulated me as i left office as i'm going out with the sleeping lion or i'd say a dormant volcano. our Director is famous for being temperamental...somehow i'm living on time-bomb zones every day at office!? so with much anxiety, i left office with mr. pitt. when i came back, everyone seemed anxious to ask me: "so how's it?" actually implicitly, they wanted to ask: "so did he shout at you? jump at you?" and with a grin, i'm thankful he didn't....in fact, he was quite happy generally! haha~ felt even more thankful in my heart when i heard from my colleagues that he actually shouted at a few staffs before i left office with mr. pitt. hmm, at least i'm still on a safe side now....=)

~gracie left a note at 8:39 pm

Sunday, April 17, 2005

17 April 2005

recently, i have been watching liu-jin-sui-yue again...my ultimate favourite all these years. seems to me that everything in the show feels too good to be true. will there be a guy out there who's willing to be your guiding star? who's willing to do almost everything to protect you, love you and cherish you with all his heart, with all his might and with all his strength? will there be this nice guy out there for me? will there...?

it's just a dream, just a sweet dream. that's why after listening to Guang Liang's 'fairy tale' (Tong Hua), i just feel that it's just so silly at times to believe that fairy tales will come true in real life. if there be this guy who's willing to make fairy tales ending of happily-ever-after come true for me, that will be just the best thing that could ever happen to me. it's a dream for every girl, isn't it?

sometimes it's just great to sit down and just build castles in the air. even though some ppl may think it's just a waste of time....but i guess it's always good to day dream once in awhile. when there's dreams, there will be miracles, isn't it? guess that makes me feel happier...to wish things to happen!

~gracie left a note at 11:51 am

Thursday, April 14, 2005

14 April 2005

gota surprise phonecall from a long lost friend yesterday. she asked me out for lunch, telling me that she's got things to discuss. it was great to catch up over lunch that day. we talked about friendships...about how things changed over time. she said something which hit me so much. "gracie, everyone's your friend! everyone!" *really??* that prompted me to consider the validity of her statement.

yes, ever since i came back from australia, i realised i changed....in the way i view friendships. some friends have been so dear to my heart before, but now, it's just different. deep within, i still care and treasure the sweetest memories we have shared in the past. yes, we may be really close before, but i guess we have moved on in our lives seperately.

so much has happened this year which made me feel that life is so unpredictable. as benny says, everything's so impermanent. i've utterly lost faith in building friendships and relationships. life still goes on, but i've just changed. i used to rely on friends around to support me in everything in my life in the past. however, recently i realised that there are some things in life which no longer stay the same forever. people change, things change and we grow up everyday. depending on what we are exposed to everyday, our mentalities are diverted towards different goals in life. friends come and go. they may be very close friends to me at one point in my life; but no longer so close now. and that's just a reality in life that i've come to realise.

and it's just so hard to use time as a measurement of friendship. it's just inaccurate to say that a friend you have known for 10years is definitely of higher status than another friend you have merely known for 2 weeks. for all you know, 2 weeks is just sufficient to leave a deep impact in your life so much. and yes, i know how it feels to lose a friend i've only gotten to know for a short period. friendships may be shortlived; but that doesn't mean that it's not worth treasuring afterall. it's just so childish to catagorise friends as very very good friend, an aquaintance or a hi-bye. as friendship is mutual, it's difficult to make things work if the other just refuses. so, there are times when i just feel that i'm in my own world...don't really see a point in trying so hard to develop deep friendships and treasure them. rather, just let it be...if it is meant to be, it will be, isn't it?

~gracie left a note at 8:57 pm

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

13 April 2005

drew this piggy myself using Microsoft Paint! ain't i proud of it? yes indeed!!






~gracie left a note at 9:35 pm

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

12 April 2005

woke up late this morning! lazed in bed from 6.30 till 7.00am!? what am i doing?!!? *hmm, mr. z monster refused to let me go!!* inevitably that culminated in me stepping into office 5minutes pass 8.30am. "oh well, don't make it a habit, gracie!!" i said to myself. been trying to get up early recently but it's been just so difficult!! fatigue caught me!

guess i'm in my dreamy moods nowadays...dreamt about japanese soldiers taking seige of singapore. *man! too much video footage cataloguing at work!!* and also, dreamt of my ex-bf too, as i always did in the past while i was in australia. too many things remind me of him in my daily life. it's just so hard to forget. like how benny puts it, "the pain is still there". totally understood how he felt when he said those words. the pain of losing someone so dear to my heart; the pain of remembering how we parted.

there is always a splitting conflict in my heart. on one hand, i really wish to meet him again and that's why i always dream about it. always wonder, how is he doing right now? really wana meet him personally and tell him i still treasure and care so much about him as a friend, even though we no longer together. after what happened to benny, i suddenly realise how much every friend means to me and how much i want to appreciate them whenever i meet them face 2 face. on the otherhand, isn't it more painful to meet someone whom you have always loved with all your heart but who no longer loves and cares about you anymore? it will feel worse inside to know that he has moved on with life, enjoying singlehood or even gotten himself a new gf?!?

~gracie left a note at 9:08 pm

Sunday, April 10, 2005

10 April 2005

this year 2005 started off with a series of unhappy events that caused me to question how am i going to go through? spent these few months drowning myself at work, making full use of every opportunity to start life anew. no matter how hard i tried, i still meet dead-ends. it has been a very tough journey...as i thought things through today, i just realised that there's just so much we have control over in our lives. what i can do to be really happy is to be contented with whatever i have, seize the day and do everything i can for the loved ones around me.

verse of the day:
"So do not worry about tomorrow; it will have enough worries of its own. There is no need to add to the troubles each day brings."matthew 6:34

~gracie left a note at 6:06 pm

Thursday, April 07, 2005

7 April 2005

you know how i can become really crazy and clumsy when i'm really stressed up at work? and in times like these that i'll laugh over those stupid actions. guess what happened today? i was so exhausted by lunch time that i just wanted to get out of office as soon as 1pm strikes. didn't really have breakfast this morning...didn't have the strength to even push the door open! tried to lean on the door, hoping that my body weight could help me do the job. when the door really sprang open, i wasn't prepared for it!! fell forward and hit my head against the door. *ah-dui!!* worst thing was that i wore specs today....my specs went smashed towards the door and the spines of the specs became slanted so badly! what a day! so clumsy!?! thankfully, i had jean with me....she walked me to the optical shop at Funan and i got my specs adjusted :)

laughed really hard today when jean and i were on our way back to office after lunch. we stopped by at traffic junction as the traffic lights showed: "Red". so while we waited, jean and i chatted....just as we were about to move, within a matter of seconds, a huge white lump of bird shit went *splat* onto jean's head. man!!~ it was just hilarious. i couldn't help but laughed. jean was red in embarrassment, while trying not to laugh at her pathetic self. i giggled while i tried to remove the shit from her hair using tissue paper....but it was just so funny! i appologised to her for laughing....and she started bursting into laughter too. oh well~ perhaps this is just a silly thing that really made me laugh hard today.... :)

~gracie left a note at 7:45 pm

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

5 April 2005

this trip to malaysia has been a different one for me. it wasn't because it's my first business trip! it was ever the first trip when i felt that i shouldn't take my life for granted; that travelling on malaysia roads for 11hours on coach may be life threatening too. i can't help but think about benny throughout the trip whenever the coach was travelling on high speed through the winding pathways. i'm thankful that good friends who dropped me off and i really appreciated their 2 words: 'take care' before i bid them goodbye at nas carpark. glad to receive liumin's and diane's calls and sms before i left. of cos, my mummy gave me farewell wishes too...i know from the bottom of my heart that these closest people of my heart cared so much for me. that brought me smiles whenever i thought about it during the trip. :)

we set off for penang last sat night. it felt seemingly weird to step into nas on a weekend!? it just didn't feel right!?! :) anyway, it was quite interesting to see everyone in their most casual, ready-to-sleep attire. i'm surprised to see the contact-lens hunks and babes of nas in their most geeky glasses that night! haha!!~ that includes me, of cos! it was great to be able to start conversations with people you have always wanted to speak to but have no chance at office? you know what i mean? it's like we are always running around at office but never have time to really get to know people around. it was through times like this when we gelled as one whole. it was fun to be around jean, stanley, kevin, stella, weehon, maslinda, yushida, the Board members too...we became closer as a result of this trip together!

we arrived at Penang on sunday morning....i was extremely tired as i didn't catch much sleep throughout the 11hours on coach! with blood-shot eyes, i just couldn't do much but to check into the Bayview hotel room with jean...take a warm shower in a bathtub, relax and sleep!! that's what we did! we got to bed at 12noon...skipped lunch and set our alarms at 2pm. at 2.30pm, we were still lazing in our beds...ahhh, it was so difficult to get out of bed...just so hard!!! my eyelids felt so heavy! the more we slept, the harder it was to pull ourselves out of bed! it was such an agony....! the only incentive for both of us was the lure of food and shopping!! eventually, we managed to pull ourselves out of bed, get changed and took a long walk under the scorching sun through the penang streets. eventually we got to Praglin Mall (if it's spelt this way!?)! whoh! air-con shopping mall!! thank goodness!! after a quick meal at a HK restaurant, we started our shopping spree! :) brought back loads of stuffs...got back to our hotel lobby to meet up with rest of the group. our tour guide drove us down to Gurney drive where we had local char-kuay-tiao and char-mee....and yes, more shopping! it was such an enjoyment!

the very sole objective of travelling 12 hours on coach through the malaysian roads was because of the postcards exhibition launch on monday. it was ever a new experience for me yesterday. for just one moment, i felt as if i was a superstar!? the press was there, cameras all over....!? the malays started with all ceremonial rites (eg. praying to Allah, playing their traditional instruments and welcoming gongs) before the entrance of the Datos and the Minister of Culture and the Arts. the speeches were delivered in malay and generally, it was a cultural exchange of dance and music. when it was time for the actual launching, a host of reporters and cameramen swarmed towards the stage. everyone was fighting for the best shot of the Minister shaking hands with our Chairman of national archives of Singapore. whoh!~ and while we were making our way through the exhibition, reporters took photo shots of us! for the first time, we became the limelight??! :)

as usual, like all singaporeans always do, right after our official business was done...we were off to shopping!!! bought loads of local products! thereafter, we set off down to kl. another 5 hours trip! even though it was a tiring journey, upon reaching our destination, i felt relieved to have checked into a 4star hotel located right smack in the city centre. jean and i checked into our room...put down our stuffs and a brief wash-up and off we went again! met up the rest at the hotel lobby and off we went for our shopping spree again! haven't been in kl for 3 years and i'm now back...every corner of Lot 10, Sungei Wang and Bukit Bintang have remained unchanged. shopping...shopping and more shopping!! :) it was an adventure as we get to learn the interests, the shopping habits and passions of others! stanley is always so loving; picked up romantic gifts for his gf. *so sweet* stella always checked out adidas stores looking for nice bags and t-shirts! kevin is always a loner during the trip; loves to walk around on his own. maslinda and yushida will always pair up together to go for hallal food, while jean and i will make our way to visit girley-shops.....irene and wee hon will just browse through each shop. eventually we wrapped up the night with desserts and icecream at Macdonalds. stanley bought so much fries and we just couldn't finish all of it! haha~ we had fun catching up...and of cos, our joke of the night was story of mr. pitt and his goat ;) *lol...hahaha*

the morning call came at 7am as usual. it was so hard to pull myself out of bed!! in the dark, i groaned...tried to open my eyes, but it just refused to!? looked at jean and she too, did the same! ahhh....it was just so very difficult.....! for the first time....i felt an agonising pain to open my eyes and just get moving! dragged myself out of bed....with blood-shot eyes, i just had no choice but to put on my recently-bought glasses. had a long journey back to singapore...........office...........! back to work at 3pm!!! *tiring..*

~gracie left a note at 8:43 pm