im thinking of you i wonder why. no matter how far i ran away, you still managed to find your way back to my memory space, my dreams and my life. whenever i remember you, thoughts of depression and hurts came back. i don't want them, but somehow you came back.
i dreamt of you last night. again. the emotions, the sadness, the pain and the tears were so real. i thought i was living it. i woke up from my dreams missing you so much. i was really hoping we could connect through dreams. if we can't talk to each other over sms or msn, let it be through dreams.
there's just so much to tell you. i used to share with you my thoughts, my dreams and my everything. life hasn't been easy lately. lots of ups and downs. i wished you could listen to my heart. perhaps you already knew all that or maybe you don't want to hear them anymore.
i know that you are doing well. im thankful too.
~gracie left a note at 9:21 pm
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Are you Twenty Something? They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like.
You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get hot and scared because you barely know where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or Insincere, but that they are as confused as you are.
You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.
You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want.
Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not.
You are insecure and then Secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the Enemy and you cry and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. The stupid ones plateau, the smart ones rise.
You get your heartbroken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else.
You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You wonder what in the hell is wrong with you.
We are making a lot of mistakes, but helping one another learn from them. We will piss one another off, and laugh at the end of a conversation that started with angry words. We are in our best of times And our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out. We are friends, and in 10 years we will be friends who have figured out where we fit in in this world.
So don't be anxious about tomorrow, live one day at a time.
~gracie left a note at 10:03 pm
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
he died i was shocked when i read the news. a young 32 years old doctor died in his sleep. his death left his wife in shock and panic. surprised, she couldn't wake him up in the morning. turned him around, realised he wasn't breathing anymore.
i call this drama. how often does it happen in movies and soap operas? but to think it happened in real life reminds me that life shouldn't be taken for granted. i used to think that dramas are just dramas, never gona happen in the real world. it didn't occur to me until i met Drama once.
anyway, never regret. seize the day. be sincere.
~gracie left a note at 9:25 pm
Friday, November 17, 2006
run, gracie! run! i volunteered to participate in the staff relay for sports day. well, haven't run for ages! i think the last time i ever jogged was 2 years ago, while i was still at moo moo land. i've learnt my lesson today - never "last minute hug buddha leg" and hope that you could achieve results.
the challenge for me today was to run 1.5km. it isn't a long distance at all. i used to do this within 10minutes while i was in primary school ;) [ha! long time ago!] and at the back of my mind, the "oh no...!" lingered.
when the baton was passed over to me, i knew i just have to keep running. the first few hundred metres were easy. suddenly, i realised my legs grew weaker. i couldn't catch much breath. other competitors were swifting past me. "how am i going to finish? can i stop running?" i thought. but the thought of finishing the race kept me going. yes, i managed to finish it. maybe not fast enough, but im glad i finished it!
what came out of the race which made me smile was that i managed to bond closer with my colleagues. gota know them better. truly, it was about team work; not about winning. ha! we consoled ourselves, cos' we came in 2nd last! ha. we all had fun!
~gracie left a note at 11:08 pm
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Swollen Eyes blame myself for wanting to be pretty! well, it's woman's nature to have the desire to have a pair of dazzling eyes that sparkles, especially in front of handsome guys! and i'm no exception. yes, i admit. the only thing - im too lazy sometimes.
i left my coloured contact lenses soaked in the saline solution for the past 1 week. decided to wear it on monday, because i didn't wana waste it. but that was just a bad mistake. i sensed irritation on my left eye when i wore it. i ignored it at first instance, thinking that i could live with it. anyway i was running late, so i hecked it and left home in a hurry.
when i got to office, the eye irritation became worst. it was so bad till my left eye became red, swollen and flooding with tears. i looked like someone who cried over pillows for one night. and to think that i didn't actually got home until 10pm made things worst. by the time i took off my contacts and relieved my eyes, it was too late.
EYE INFECTION. die. i didn't really know how bad it was till the next morning. Tues morning, woke up as usual to switch off my alarm. ah! couldn't open my eyes! stucked! i just couldn't open my eyes! i tried to feel my way to the toilet, used cold water to rinse and finally, voa-la~ i could see myself in the mirror. after a struggle of 15mins, i decided to wear specs to work. super geeky la!
i never appreciated my eyes so much till yesterday. realised how important it is to take care of it. so do you love beauty or do you love your eyes?
~gracie left a note at 9:57 pm
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Looking Young! i feel tremendously flattered today :) the first person who came along to say, "hey you look like you're Design student" was my new colleague at office. perhaps she's an alumni herself. but what made my day was her: "hey you look like a VSC student!" wow. i look like a visual com student!
and during my aerobics class, someone came up to me and say, "so how's secondary school?" im just surprised! she thought i look really young. seriously young. like 16 years old, a work-out freak who isn't tired by PE lessons at school!
i look young? maybe i do. maybe it's my dressing. or maybe i feel young! anyhow, gracie IS young :)
~gracie left a note at 11:32 pm
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Surprises i sat down and started daydreaming about having the sweetest marriage proposal surprises, especially after watching each episode of Saying I Love You on Channel U. well, im not in the best position to dream about all these, since nothing's on right now. but can still dream right?? :) *gracie grinsss..*
this reminds me of how my melbourne besties threw me a surprise farewell before i left that moo-moo place. it was a grand surprise, which i never really expected. they got me man! they were smart to collaborate with my parents and brother. the plan was to get me when im in my PJs on my second last night at melbourne. i suspected something fishy, when my mum asked me to shower and get ready for bed. just as i finished with showering and preparing for bed at 8pm [yeah!! crazy right?], the doorbell rang. DANG! i opened the door without expecting an entire group of them with their digital cameras flashing! "SURPRISE!!" yeah - that was a sweet surprise. i thought they have forgotten about me. what made my farewell sweet were the heartfelt words from my closest besties, which would stay with me for a lifetime. the 3-years friendship would last me quite long time, if not forever. difficult to put it in words, but just really touched when i heard those words of encouragement, love and appreciation.
it's not difficult to see that gracie loves surprises. yeah - that would be the best gift to me. i recognise the effort put behind planning the surprise itself. it's even harder to keep the surprise from me, cos im so inquisitive! ha. perhaps it's a challenge, i'd say. but it's just sweet a memory to know that you are worth so much the effort.
mirror mirror on the wall, when will there be the wildest surprise from gracie's all in all? [it's not a hint ;)]
~gracie left a note at 9:34 pm
The Way You Look At Me
~gracie left a note at 12:28 pm
Monday, November 06, 2006
Rethinking Relationships relationships are such complex matters, that toil our hearts and soul into wrenching heartaches at times. however, there are moments -shortlived moments of sweetness, honey-coated memories and happiness. i wished i could retain the sweetest moments and contain them in my heart.
recently, i've been doing a lot of shopping. retail therapy works! and i do feel happier, prettier and better about myself. and through shopping, i realised that i am sometimes very uncertain about whether i should wait for a better brand to come along or i should just go with what i love. am i buying out of impulse? do i really love it?
it brings me back to reality. honestly im unready for commitment yet again. perhaps i just wana enjoy the beautiful moments. that's why it's good to just stay as friends. i like it when you go out and have lots of fun, forgetting whether you are together or whether you are just friends. it's just good to laugh over the good times and forget the bad moments.
perhaps it's difficult to segregate the good from the bad. however, it's individual choice to remember only the good. good times are always shortlived, not meant to be eternal.
to those i love dearly: pls take care always. i cherish the moments we have spent together. because of you, gracie has learnt to be happy. thank you for creating those wonderful moments for me. i wished i could give you my heart.
~gracie left a note at 11:03 am
Friday, November 03, 2006
"I Truly Appreciate You" how often do we hear that? the common excuse we give is, we are Asians, we are shy people, we are not used to taking affirmations well. Asians shun away from this big word: Affirmation. really?
but the truth of the matter is, we all need affirmation. we need to know that we are noticed, cherished and valued as an individual. it's more than a compliment. it's deeper than that. it's an honest gratitude towards the other. it's my way of saying thank you for all that you have done for me. it's recognising your presence in my life. it's realising your importance, your contributions and your inner beauty that i see in you.
why is it so difficult then? why do people shun away? no, it's not a cultural thing. it's the fear of rejection. it's the fear of being ridiculed. what if you doubt my sincerity? what if you took my affirmations in the wrong way? what if you think that there's some underlying motivations behind those words?
to me, affirmation is the oxygen of my spiritual soul. i long to be affirmed and yes, that's so important to me. nothing beats those words that will brighten up my life, "gracie, i appreciate you." and yeah, i have come to realise that it's the single most important factor that makes me feel belonged to a group or someone.
in this competitive society, we have learnt the evil ways of throwing sarcasm at each other. we have acquired the skills of backstabbing. we sink ourselves in the culture of criticisms. why be untruthful? why do we need to hide our innermost needs? why do we want to criticise when we aren't any better?
perhaps affirmation starts today. gracie has learnt to appreciate the good things around her. and have constantly thanked the people who have made a difference in her life. it's rewarding. affirmation is spiritual resusitation. we all need it.
~gracie left a note at 8:57 am
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
I Can't Get Used To It! i sat down with an ice blended Starbucks chocolate and a mango cheesecake. it was lunch for me today and it cost me $10.40. goodness. that's a decimal difference if i had lunch at school canteen. [perhaps yes, gracie shouldn't compare or complaint]. my first time sitting down alone in an uneasy environment. why uneasy? cars seemed to drive past faster. huge crowds of working adults rushing down the streets. for once, i noticed ang mohs too! and the place looked so much like Melbourne Central. as i observed the crowd from that little corner of Starbucks Cafe, i felt as if im an alien to this place. i seemed to be sticking out like a sore thumb.
maybe because im not used to dressing up today. why am i dressed so differently today? i glanced briefly at myself, as i compared that with the passer-bys: white collared top with formal black skirt. i looked more like im going to Supreme Court for a court hearing session later. no, i was at Robinsons Road for a job interview. i felt superbly uncomfortable. perhaps im too used to seeing students in jeans and t-shirts at school. it's suddenly a jump of environment. it's rising up to the occasion, which i found it quite difficult to adjust at first instance when i stepped out of the taxi.
well im not sure still, if this is really what it is meant to be for me. im still considering my options and hopefully, i will find the way i want to go soon. career paths are carved out, isn't it? perhaps i should take my youth as my advantage to grow and develop my own strengths. it isn't good to just stay in a comfy environment for too long, or it would mean stagnating and maintaining status quo.
~gracie left a note at 10:25 pm
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gracie
activities: beach-ing, swimming, camping
interests: music, history
birthday: 18 june
home sweet home: singapore
