Monday, May 09, 2005
9 may 2005
i was so reluctant to leave my bed this morning...aghhh~ why isit monday so soon? sigh. been sleeping so much through weekend but still haven't recovered from my lethargy. i need a recharge! my energy is so drained!!
one of colleagues at work submitted her resignation letter last week. this news shocked everyone at the management level. no one expected her to leave after working so hard at the Archives for the past 9years. somehow i realised that perhaps, work shouldn't define who we are. work should just remain as work, as seperate matter from our entire well being and life. when work becomes our life, we are just merely slogging our lives away, isn't it? sometimes no matter how much we try to do our real best, those efforts may not be appreciated by our boss. thus, those efforts seem to be in vain, no matter how hard we may try. i've decided that i should just concentrate more on building up relationships, friendship and kinships.
been feeling alienated from everyone else lately. perhaps it's part and parcel of fitting back into the singaporean society after being away for 3 years. despite coming back to this island every 6 months, i have become accustomed to the aus lifestyle over the years. the only reason why i came back then was because my then bf was working here. really missed him while i was there at aus and really yearned to be back here in singapore so that we can be together 'ever after'. well, now that i'm back here, things have changed over the months. had i not returned, perhaps things might have been different? well, finding my old friends and catching up with them seems to be a never-ending search. everyone's been busy; each has their own schedules and datelines to meet.
well, my only relief is that i found a great companion at work since day 1. we always go lunch together; we share about almost everything with one another and never found that we got tired of each other; our conversations are just never-ending through the week. perhaps it's because we share a common past-- we left for australia years ago, left our friends and things we held onto behind and moved on. now that we are back, it's been always this challenge to find ourselves a place where we used to feel belong to.
yes, we do have friends, very good friends for sure in the past. now that we are back, friends no longer remain. yes, undoubtedly we have had fun times with our old friends. but like boon says, 'people come and go...people move on...people change and people grow up'. we can't expect everything to stay the same, because it just doesn't happen that way. we just gota move on and perhaps, find new friends, live life in a new way and find a new place in this singaporean society once more. this process has been a struggle for me...when will this process end?
~gracie left a note at 8:57 pm
Sunday, May 08, 2005
8 may 2005
been feeling fragile-hearted today. didn't know why but tears just flowed from my eyes when boon asked gently just now, 'why do u feel alienated, my sister?' my soul rained instantaneously.
shared with him about what has been happening...tears just fell as i typed. "don't do anything silly ok? my friend's friend committed suicide recently." he said. "well", i replied, "no, i treasure life alot. i know how much it hurts when i heard that one of my close friends died in a rd accident recently. so much loss, so much pain since i came back." tears flowed as i cried out from my heart: "pls teach me how to live on..."
i really appreciated every encouraging word he said: to look upon Him and live on. what made me smiled was his repeated line: "you are such a nice girl!" well, being a nice girl doesn't guarantee no pain in any r.s, isn't it?!
~gracie left a note at 12:38 pm
Saturday, May 07, 2005
7 may 2005
my heart melted after reading a friend's blog just then. can't help but feel thankful that someone in this world really cares. i want so much to say:
"hey, you've never failed to be around me whenever something big happens in my life. do you still remember the monash shooting event? we almost cried when we couldn't find each other in the midst of rushing crowds after those deadly gunshots sounded. it's times like these when i realise how much i treasure life, how much i treasure you as a friend.
there are some friends in whom you can only smile and say 'hi' to. there are some others in whom you're not afraid to act silly, pout or even cry aloud. even though i haven't acted silly, pout or even cried aloud in front of you, i know you're someone i can lean onto. you know, i really wish i can get a hug from you now...just need a crying shoulder to lean on at this moment. you're right; some things are just not worth holding on cos' reflections upon precious memories just gives us glimpses of hope and unreal happiness. it's sucha pain to go through rough times like these..."
~gracie left a note at 10:34 pm
Thursday, May 05, 2005
5 may 2005
i have decided to move on...it's been tough struggle; but i realised there isn't much point pondering over some things which i can't have control over. i'll just gota let things be. i'm referring to bgr here. been totally depressed for a long time...wondering how am i going to survive without him around. he left me at a point in my life when i really needed him most, when my life revolved around him. my world was him vs God + my family. it was just so hard to make a choice among them all. i need them all in my life. how am i supposed to choose?
well, circumstances made a choice for me. losing him was like losing a part of me. just so hard to get over...but what to do...?! there's just nothing, absolutely nothing i can ever do?! tried all i can in every way possible to maintain friendship...but somehow the communication lines had been cut off. did spend a whole lot of time questioning: why can't he just return my watch to me? why does he want my watch for? why can't we be friends? am i asking a lot? does he still care for me as a friend? has he moved on? why is he avoiding me? why is he not responding my sms? i remembered benny once said, 'there's no such thing as being friends after a break up'. is this really how it is? had i known this earlier, i'd never had wanted this r.s. at all because his friendship is too precious to me.
after struggling with these issues in my heart for the past few months, i realised that there's just so much i can do. i don't want to be a 'super glue' or seen as a 'pest'; yet i feel i haven't done enough for this friendship. more questions emerge and the cycle goes again. i realise this will never end, but make me feel worse. it's just mind-torturing and heart breaking to feel rejected all the time. i've just decided to chuck the history behind me and not remind myself of it. yes, it's painful...especially for someone like me, who loves memories of the past. i've decided not to talk about it anymore or even to come in contact with ppl related to him. Msged him on tues morning informing him that he can keep my watch (since he's been holding onto it for so long?!?) and i'll not contact him from henceforth. i guess that will just help me leave history behind and move on without any regrets.
~gracie left a note at 10:41 pm
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
4 may 2005
it's been an interesting day of surprises for me. went down to Singapore Press Holdings today. it's my 2nd time there and of cos, not so blur today! :) i was fortunate to catch a cab on time before it started pouring cats and dogs! went down to look at Straits Times news papers relevant to 1945 Jap war period. haha~ i was again very fortunate to have hopped into the cab before the thunderstorm started after my research at SPH was over. as usual, i told the taxi driver: "uncle, Northpoint pls" it was just so funny how the taxi driver commented, "ah? going Northpoint? are you a news reporter??" :) i replied with a grin, "urr...no, i'm going home to work and i'm not a ji-zhe (news reporter)". when i got home, i was all drenched despite the nice taxi driver ferrying me to the nearest location to the lift door. well, got home at 4pm, earliest ever!!~ took time to have a warm shower before typing my meeting minutes report till dinner time.
didn't expect myself to meet Alex for dinner tonight. he left me a msg this morning informing me that he's on transit to hong kong from melbourne. didn't even have time to check my messages till lunch time. wow! a string of sms from him! well, gota meet up with him for dinner and had a good time catching up with him. it's just great joy meeting up old friends eh? i felt obliged to go out with him even though i had meeting minutes to finish up because he helped me so much last year, especially with transporting sleeping mattresses for my family. well, alex, i really wish you well! :) take care while you're in hk...will visit you and your ga-zeh (sister) soon!
it's midnight and i've just finished my meeting minutes. it's been a hard day! much of my brain cells died in the process!!~ well, i'm glad it's over...phew~ it felt so much like writing a 3500 words assignment during uni days! burning mid-night oil just to finish a report! man!! spent almost the entire day just sitting in front of the comp typing non-stop while listening to the recorded meeting.
know what happened just now? saved my doc into floppy A and with that, i shut down MS Word. when i went back to Floppy A to retrieve my file again, my comp prompted me with this msg: "file could not be read. it is not formatted" argghhh~ i almost cried out! spent the entire day on this...!! i don't want to re-type!!! thankfully and miraculously, after a few attempts, i found my document! wow! *thank God!* saved the doc again and again into My Documents and my yahoo email account for backup! phew~~ what a relief!!!!
~gracie left a note at 11:57 pm
Monday, May 02, 2005
2 may 2005
been pondering about life lately, especially after receiving news that my colleague's mum passed away yesterday. went to mandai crematorium today to witness another cremation of an old folk. it's my second time there this year. life's just so short...!
came to realise that we don't have all the time we want to do all we want! we just don't control what holds for us tomorrow and we may not live to see the rising sun. it's a *choy choy* thing, but a fact of life. really learnt to grasp every single moment i have to truly appreciate ppl around us because i may never know when will it be the last time i'd ever meet this person again. even though closed ones may not be around anymore, we can still walk on and know that they still live in our hearts. it will be the saddest thing to feel rejected at the very last moment of life....wouldn't it be?
somehow so much has happened over these few months. experienced so much loss, so much disappointments and inevitably, i sunk into deep depression. i believe i grew up stronger in the process. john tan was right when he said that sometimes, life is a test. when we go through challenges, we become stronger in our faith, mightier in our character.
close friends around me commented lately, "gracie, you changed so much!" is it a good thing? maybe it is. i believe they aren't refering to just my dressing style...yes, more womanly!! as many have described! thanks to stepping into the working world! but i believe the trials of these months have made me sort out my priorities and to see more clearly my direction in life. yes, we aren't perfect, we do make mistakes in life....but it's just silly to look back and say, "oh...i just regret to have done this...." life will be sucha gloom if we just regret every single decision we make.
i believe in every journey we choose to take, we'd always end up somewhere we never planned to be. it maybe a bad choice, but it's also a lesson learnt, isn't it? this is growing up, i'd say. nobody will be always there to guide and tell you which is the right path to take...we just need to be courageous to move on and be ready to face the consequence of each decision made.
~gracie left a note at 12:42 pm
Sunday, May 01, 2005
1 may 2005
april's now gone...!! time just flies. been ages since i last felt part of the group. we had fun last night at ah-teng's hs, playing those 'lame' games which we used to play while we were younger!! man! how old are we...?~ anywayz, it was fun!
my gor prepared his secret recipe for desserts and kept us in suspense for the entire night! we tried to make wild guesses...was it tiramissu? cheesecake? mango pudding? brownieee? gelato icecream? rojak? ice kacang? red-bean soup?! he grinned as we guessed along. haha~
ah teng was like: "hey, they have high expectations of what is to come...you better go and see how you can make it best!~" haha....well, our guesses were all wrong. it was icecream with red-beans and a little small umbrella on the side. *lol* oh well, gorgor always have his weird ideas of making ordinary things look high-class! :)
it's labour day today....but the irony of it all is, i still have to work! work through weekends! and of course, do loads of laundry and clean up the toilets!! is this work too? yes, it is! :) plan to catch up with some of my girl friends, do some shopping at orchard and enjoy! actually, i really wana go suntan soon~ been so deprived of it since i started working! is it time to get a new bikini...? maybe it is!! :)
~gracie left a note at 8:36 am
