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Thursday, March 31, 2005

31 March 2004

it's been a month since i started at nas. it's been a journey...so far, so good! haven't gotten scolding from mr pitt yet! that's a good thing for now! hee. well, sometimes i just feel that even though i'm doing something i'm so interested in, everyday's administrative duties just tire me down at times. to cope with the stress of overwhelming datelines is a daily chore which inevitably adds burden on my shoulders. it really prevents me from enjoying the research work on world war two japanese occupation topic.

work place has never been the same since benny left. today i was up at AV lab and i saw the table where he used to do his AV documentation. i used to walk pass him and he'd give me a grin. missed that grin :) now. really missed him so much today, but work and datelines just kept my mind busy all the time. his death really left a deep impact in the way i look at life, work and people around me. life has always been of regrets for me until i met him. i remember that he once told me that we may not have the best things in life the way we want them to be, but we can always make the best out of it. as we don't have eternity to do all the things we love to, it's always good to stop, ponder and appreciate the little things we have in life.

everyday as i step into office, i'm reminded of how short life can be. i still miss him alot...wish i could go lunching with him again. i guess, to look at it from another perspective, it teaches me to cherish more the loved ones i have around me. i promise myself that i will never miss any opportunity to bring smiles to people...to meet them for lunch and to spend quality time with good friends around. yes, tomorrow, i'm lunching with claire...great to have found another aquaintance at work! :)

~gracie left a note at 11:41 pm

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

29 March 2005

it's another brand new day to start with...another brand new day to cherish. when i first opened my eyes this morning, i thanked God that i'm still breathing, still alive. it's sucha blessing, sucha wonderful blessing to cherish!

i met bernard at around 1pm in the pantry today...he was opening his lunch box when i passed by him. at the moment i saw him, i was reminded once again of the death of his younger brother, benny. i wished i could send him my condolences...i wished i could utter some comforting words...but at that very moment, i just didn't know what to say. i saw him having his lunch and commented that i should get mine too! i knew it's just a very silly statement, but i just didn't know what more to say. i gave him a grin :) and he replied, "haven't you got lunch?" i told him, "no...but i'm getting it soon!" and with that, i jumped on the stairs and left.

i bumped into him again outside the Reference room in the afternoon. never expected myself to spend some time chatting with him again. he initiated the conversation actually. he asked me who was the person who accompanied me to benny's funeral service and even shared with me that he collected benny's ashes this morning. from his eyes, i knew deep within he's really struggling. i knew he needed to talk to someone. our conversation at this very moment came to an awkward silence, as i just didn't know how to continue the conversation without causing more sadness. he tried to thank me for being there for benny....and i just uttered, "that's what friends are for, isn't it?" with a grin and a shrug on my shoulders, i just didn't know what more to say. i told him that i never regretted knowing his brother, despite the short time we spent together. it was indeed a blessing to have known him. his eyes revealed pain as i shared. i knew at that moment, i should just leave this sad topic completely. so, we ended up continuing the conversation by sharing more about ourselves, about work in nas (national archives of singapore) and about future plans. it was quite amazing how we stood there for 30minutes, even though i had absolute no idea what i should say at times! but all in all, i was glad to have spent that time with him. before i left the conversation, i turned around and with a grin i said, "you know what...? i enjoyed this interesting chat with you! really..." that brought an instantaneous smile to his face.

i wonder if that really helped bernard in any way?! but i truly learnt from my friendship with benny is that it's never too late to appreciate someone~to treasure time spent together, no matter how short it may be! it's always good to stop and pause from work and just be there to lend a listening ear.

~gracie left a note at 9:58 pm

Monday, March 28, 2005

28 March 2005

i cried so much today. i thought i was strong. however, as i walked around his coffin to see him for the last time, i just couldn't help but cried. the pain of losing a good friend was just overwhelmingly unbearable. an immense sadness surged within my heart. bitterness lingered as i remembered how we were supposed to meet for lunch today. i would never have imagined myself meeting my good friend in his coffin instead. never regretted telling him how i feel before he left singapore. however, as i looked at benny for the last time, i wished he heard these words i whispered in my heart:

benny, i'm not late today. i remember promising you not to be late and i'm not late in this final meeting with you. i'm missing you alot now. even though i may not see you again, i will always keep you in my heart. yes, you often said that the good things in life are never there to stay for long and we need to treasure every minute of good time. i wana let you know that i really cherish you as my friend, alot. i never regretted knowing you and really appreciate your presence in my life for the past 2 weeks. you brought sunshine into my life and you made me feel happy once more. i do treasure every minute i have with you. i just wished i could spend the rest of my days knowing you, but i know that our shortlived friendship is more than enough to leave a very deep footprint in my life. sleep well, benny...i will miss you....i truly will.

~gracie left a note at 8:41 pm

Sunday, March 27, 2005

March 27

i went for his funeral wake. that was the last thing i could ever do for a friend. when i saw him, my heart just went out for him. he was still smiling cheerfully few days ago when i last saw him. now, he's all pale, without life, sleeping in a coffin. *i cried* tears just rolled down my cheeks...i will miss him.

benny, even though i merely know you for two weeks, never regretted spending time with ya. i will always remember our times spent together....will always remember your smiles, our conversations and will always keep you in my heart as my dearest friend.

~gracie left a note at 7:56 pm


March 27 2005

is this truly the realities of life? that it is short and we just gota treasure every single moment we have with our loved ones around? as i read through the messages sent by benny stored in my phone, i just can't help but cry alot. i wana keep all his messages with me...these are my only treasures of my short-lived friendship with him.

18 March
hi...benny here
are you gracie?
oh so late! :) i will tell pitt on monday that you are overworking ha
what? you brought work home to do??gee
you are becoming more localised hmmm sometimes i wonder if thats a good or bad thing :)
oh with bf huh :) OK shall not disturb
hmmm if it makes you feel better...likewise :)
hullo!:)
well i don't like her anymore but the pain is still there

19 March
hey good morning :) i just got up...so how soon is soon?
ha im free today :)
i'll see you at Bugis?
do you know how to get there?
hey glad to hear that you got home safe and sound :)

20 March
hey hullo :) asleep already?

21 March
good morning :)
made a mistake is freaking hot!
oh i mean i went to the coffee shop near nas but weather is really bad
so bad...hmmpf
hey back from lunch?
was that jean you were with?
sigh is only 4 15 :(
nooo i almost fell asleep :)
ha is ok la...you wanna date me huh :)
i can come yishun ha
ha wat makes you think im running around :)
ha you wanna know? you have to meet me to find out :)
ya had a quick bite you?
hey where are you having dessert at?
you alone ah
ha ok let me know when you finish dinner
:) ok give me awhile more

22 March
still touring nas?:)
going for lunch huh :)
hey have you girls finish lunch?im a little hungry :)

23 March
hmmm are you trying to date me?:)
so thick skin
hey im in serangoon nw you go ahead with jean first i will catch up with later at funan
oh...i went to funan to look for you just now
sigh if you are not busy :)
hmmm is ok dont worry about it :)

24 March
hmmm i dont think i can today sigh the tso insist on buying me lunch today
dont worry i can always come funan and lunch with you beautiful girls :)
:) hmmm anyway wouldnt jean feel out of place if you bring her along?
i mean she does not know me
ha no la for me is fine has she seen me before?
oh ha ha ok at least she has seen me
ha so did she say anything bad about me :)
ha ha ha shoo go do your work :)
hey where are you?
eh? i saw you going to funan:)
sigh so i just miss lunch with two beautiful ladies today :)
ya but i went over funan to find you girls :)
hey call me when you free :p
hey think i see you next week? come to think of it is a little rush for me
okie dokie dun miss me :)

26 March
Benny had a fatal road accident...

~gracie left a note at 9:17 am


March 26 2005, i decide to start typing once more...start pouring out all my thoughts into my treasure box here. i know if i don't, i might just regret for the rest of my life. what happened today just taught me how to love and treasure people around me so much more. so much has happened for the past few months....sunk deep in agony, in pain and sadness and i just didn't want to be reminded of these again. however, after meeting this guy in my life recently, he changed my life significantly. he taught me to cherish, to love and to make full use of every significant opportunity to enjoy the best things in life. at this very moment, i miss him a lot...seriously so much. i just wish i could tell him all these from the bottom of my heart.

this morning, i got a message on my phone that read: "benny had a fatal road accident. funeral wake at teochew funeral parlour on sunday. ubi road 4 funeral on monday am." i was utterly shocked. "is this a prank?" i asked. this was a disturbing thought for the whole day. eventually my disbelief was confirmed through the news headlines: "Singaporean motorist killed in Malaysian road accident". when his name was flashed on the tv screen, i couldn't believe my eyes. i was seriously dumb founded. tears just rolled down my eyes as i remembered how we have spent the past few days trying to meet up for lunch, but never found a time to....his last message to me before he left for malaysia was: "okie dokie don't miss me" and my reply to him was, "yes, i will miss ya :) have fun and i'll seeya soon. take care". that was our last conversation. i really miss him a lot now...i just wish this is a prank...i wish he's still alive...i wish to tell you, benny, i really cherish you alot......i really really do!

exactly one week ago, we had great fun! we went out to have a long dinner....catchup and he brought me out to a cozy cafe to have a drink. he poured out his thoughts, he shared with me his life, his work, his aspirations, his plans for the future....i never regretted going out with him. he came all the way to my place to have dessert with me on monday and we spent the whole night chatting. he went all the way to funan to meet me for lunches even though i never gota meet him at all....seriously felt so touched. i wish i could have this friendship for eternity....*cry....* life is just so short...never know what will ever happen tomorrow. perhaps tomorrow will never come? i told benny, "sure! we always have another time to have lunch at funan!" sadly, we will never have another time.....*sobs* so people, cherish every one you have in your life.

CARE is the sweetest form of LOVE.
So anyone says "take care"
it's just as good as saying
"I'll keep you in my heart till its very last beat"
Take care

take care, benny...i wrote this blog for you.

~gracie left a note at 12:30 am

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gracie
activities: beach-ing, swimming, camping
interests: music, history
birthday: 18 june
home sweet home: singapore


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