5 may 2005

i have decided to move on...it's been tough struggle; but i realised there isn't much point pondering over some things which i can't have control over. i'll just gota let things be. i'm referring to bgr here. been totally depressed for a long time...wondering how am i going to survive without him around. he left me at a point in my life when i really needed him most, when my life revolved around him. my world was him vs God + my family. it was just so hard to make a choice among them all. i need them all in my life. how am i supposed to choose?

well, circumstances made a choice for me. losing him was like losing a part of me. just so hard to get over...but what to do...?! there's just nothing, absolutely nothing i can ever do?! tried all i can in every way possible to maintain friendship...but somehow the communication lines had been cut off. did spend a whole lot of time questioning: why can't he just return my watch to me? why does he want my watch for? why can't we be friends? am i asking a lot? does he still care for me as a friend? has he moved on? why is he avoiding me? why is he not responding my sms? i remembered benny once said, 'there's no such thing as being friends after a break up'. is this really how it is? had i known this earlier, i'd never had wanted this r.s. at all because his friendship is too precious to me.

after struggling with these issues in my heart for the past few months, i realised that there's just so much i can do. i don't want to be a 'super glue' or seen as a 'pest'; yet i feel i haven't done enough for this friendship. more questions emerge and the cycle goes again. i realise this will never end, but make me feel worse. it's just mind-torturing and heart breaking to feel rejected all the time. i've just decided to chuck the history behind me and not remind myself of it. yes, it's painful...especially for someone like me, who loves memories of the past. i've decided not to talk about it anymore or even to come in contact with ppl related to him. Msged him on tues morning informing him that he can keep my watch (since he's been holding onto it for so long?!?) and i'll not contact him from henceforth. i guess that will just help me leave history behind and move on without any regrets.