Rainbow After a Thunderstorm?
i woke up this morning with a bad sore throat and serious lethargy. im falling sick. i should blame myself for the late nights of watching vcds and computer games. these activities have become part of my lullaby. i needed to keep myself busy through the day before i could fall deep into sleep. without them, i feel empty. insomnia is the word. haven't been able to make myself sleep. in an instant, i realised that busyness is an excuse to shunning from pain.

i have spent all my life chasing after rainbows. i wish i could go shopping for emotions. i want to pack all the best memories of my life, my smiles, my dreams, my hopes, my passions into this treasure box which i want to secure and bring with me all my life. i reckon i would become world's saddest person when i become senile at old age. sometimes i wonder why God gave everything in a package. i couldn't just pack all the goodies and leave the bad ones behind. if there is happiness and joy in life, there is also sadness and tears too. somehow i gota understand--having both goodies and badies in life add colours to our lives. this is the true rainbow. it has bright red and yellow colours, but blue and indigo too.

recently i met someone. she is always joyful and her smiles are real. she lives life as if she does not understand sorrows. her love for others is contagious and she's ever willing to become a clown in my life. deep inside, i know there is pain. i know that when she sheds her clown costume, she has to deal with her own set of worries, pain and regrets. sometimes, i just wished i could be like her. and like someone once told me: why should you add your burden to others in your life? be a clown too!

there is another someone i gota know quite lately. he is funny! always never fail to make me smile, in his own ways. he is artistic too. even though he never speaks his own emotions, i could see it through his eyes. perhaps guys hide their feelings well and make himself look strong. yet, like everyone else, he is vulnerable too. he hides his pain with his jokes. he portrays himself as one without worries, yet i know he has a huge baggage on his shoulders.

i have known another someone for years. i never truly understand him until quite recently. he has always been busy, still very busy. i never understood before, why he couldn't get his priorities right. he has time for friends, for sports, for work and for life...but i realised that the real reason why he has never devoted so much time on relationships is because he has never felt the love all these while. sad but true, i realised how difficult it must be for him to struggle through. perhaps busyness is really an excuse here. not because he is really busy, but because he has never felt loved.

as for me, i feel that the thunderstorms of my life is over. yet, why haven't i seen rainbows? all the tears and pain are over, why haven't i smiled in the most real way? like the first someone, i try to smile, try to be a clown to others...but it's tiring. emotionally tiring to always make myself smile, just so hard. like the second someone, i hide my pain so well. and like the third someone, i try to be busy at work and in life. i have been trying very hard for months to prove to myself that i can be happy~ to make myself feel happy~ to tell myself i want to be happy. however, my real smiles have long disappeared. when can i have it back...?